Once upon a time I was going for a walk with a friend and fretting about some issue or other. She responded to my worries by saying “you’re not that great, you know.”
It’s one of the most useful things I’ve ever been told.
I’ve been called pretentious and narcissistic: in other words, I have what is being called main character energy. I think I’m the star of the show and that the world revolves around me.
For this insult, I’ll say…maybe.
Staying humble while celebrating the important work that I’m able to do with members of the community is a work in progress. People have told me that I too quickly brush past achievements and moments of celebration. That I should pause and take a moment to reflect and acknowledge. I agree with that. In social movement spaces, we often don’t celebrate how far we’ve come which can contribute to a feeling that we’re not moving ahead at all. But that celebration can also be seen as self-congratulating and contributing to a sense of self-importance.
Staying grounded and humble is an ongoing process. I take a lot of criticism and it’s a balance between assessing what is valid and what isn’t. There’re some schools of thought that say that we should only take criticism from people from whom we’d take advice. Maybe.
I’ve also heard the recommendation that we should fully detach from what people think about us—both positive and negative. This means that we should form our own opinion and judgement about our self-worth that isn’t dictated by hearing good comments or bad. Maybe.
I’ve also taken the position that we should have our own north star and orient ourselves that way. For me, this is an explicit list of values that help guide me and allow me to check in to see if I’ve gone off track.
It also seems relevant here to point out the problem of pedestals. One of my biggest fears is being put on a pedestal. When we put people on a pedestal, the only movement possible is a toppling downwards. One of the ways that I seek to avoid being put on a pedestal is by trying to show that I’m a human which is a messy business. It means being nuanced, complicated, annoying, quirky, and honest. Maybe that reads as narcissistic and overly self-interested, but for those who aren’t my north star, they’re going to read me as that regardless of how I show up. I take pleasure in sparkly eyeshadow, wearing a flower in my hair, and having a dress with foxes and owls on it. Narcissistic and materialistic? Maybe. Uniquely myself in all the ways I present, from clothing to makeup to way to discussing issues? Definitely.
One point I want to make about narcissism is that it also includes a deficit of empathy which is absolutely untrue for me. I am empathetic to a fault. I am empathetic to an extent that it is harmful to me. But the world, formal leadership, and governmental systems don’t allow spaces or places for empathy. It seems to be a lost skill—feeling the emotions of other, naming them, and sharing that sensation together. I do believe the world needs more empathy and that means more time and space for empathy. And that means more recognizing the uniqueness and the connectedness in all of us, whether or not we’re sparkling like our own north star.
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Image description: a dark haired woman is brushing her teeth while looking at something in the distance. Her hair is messy and she’s wearing a white pajama top with black cats printed on it.
